Throat Cancer

Random ramblings from the kitchen:

"Hey, Meredith." Featherstone drew out in his most Fayette Co accent he could muster.

"Yep, what's up?" I reply.

"Did ya know that you could get throat cancer from eatin' pussy?" Everyone's little ears perk up as they swivel their heads towards him. Not that this is some surprise conversation. This topic is right on target with our crew.

"Well, no, I didn't. Are you concerned or something?" I jokingly say as my face turns 20 shades of red.

"Well fuck yea I'm concerned! I lick that damn thing all the fuckin' time. She's gotta get her's before I can get mine. And ya know....all I gotta do is rock her world and do my damn thing so she can be happy for a few days. Then I repeat it. It works. Except during shark week." Featherstone refers to his girlfriend's period as Shark Week.

"Ok, gross. Let's get back to throat cancer. How do you know this?" Trying to get the conversation back on track.

"Didn't ya know that's how Michael Douglass died? Fuckin' throat cancer from eatin' his wife's pussy." He said matter of factly.

"First of all, Michael Douglass is not dead. Second of all, how do you know it's from his wife? He could have had a girlfriend. Wait, how the fuck do you get throat cancer from going down on a girl anyway?" We're all enthralled in the ridiculousness of mine and his back and forth banter.

"It comes from an infection. You know, those infections you girls get down there. Yeast or somethin'. But like I always say, if it smells fishy ya better not eat it. Same goes for fish we sale here. Smell before eatin' it." He is so wise.

"Ok, that's absolutely disgusting, but I definitely agree with you. If a girl's got some rank smell, you need to just run. Let me google this." I'm the queen of Google at work. Google is the book of life.

As I'm googling "Michael Douglass eating pussy," Featherstone continues to divulge us.

"Ya'll! I can make one of those commercials like the people with those things in their throats. Except it would be like this: Hello. I have to now speak through this little box because I have throat cancer. I have smoked all of my life, but that is not how I got throat cancer. I got throat cancer from eatin pussy." I know ya'll have seen those commercials with the scary old ladies with the talk boxes on their throats.

"Hey, Meredith. What's that thing called in yer throat you take out when you have throat cancer?"

"Ummmmm. A larnax?" Worth a try, but apparently the emphasis that I put on the "a" was incorrect.

"This is not Dr. Suess and the Lorax." He scoffs.

"Holy shit, ya'll. I found it. Michael Douglass has a press release confirming that's how he got throat cancer. What the fuck! And, doctors say that it comes from HPV."

"See, told ya."

"But here it says his agent tried to come back and say he was talking about you can get throat cancer from eating a girl out in general. Well, not in those words. He didn't say eat a girl out. You know what I mean. Anyway, well, did YOU know that men are the carriers of HPV and that women are affected by it? So, it only makes since that a guy should get throat cancer from the same HPV that he gave to a girl. What's goes around comes around bitches!" I laugh as I get flustered.

"Alright. So, it's true. Now have ya ever heard of the earwax test?" He knows everything about STD's apparently.

"Ok, this already sounds gross. Let's hear it."

"Well, ya get some ear wax on yer finger and put it on her clit. If it burns, she's got the clap. If it doesn't she's fine." I learn so much at work.

"WHO THE FUCK LET YOU PUT EAR WAX ON HER VAGINA? Please tell me you haven't done this to your girlfriend. I love her. Please tell me that." His girlfriend is a saint. I would kill him and her if she allowed him to do this.

"Oh, no no no no no no. Just heard it. Thought it was cool." Thank God.

"Just got to the doctor and get tested. This is stupid. It's called an STD test."

"Maybe we should invent something you could pee on or wipe up in there. Like if it turns green or somethin, we know ya got the clap." He loves coming up with ways to make his life easier.

"Oh, yea! Like a PH tester we use for our sanitizer!" I'm a genius.

And then the tickets start rolling in so we get back to work and tuck away all of our inappropriateness for the next night's service.

Don't forget, smell it before you eat it.

Merekat