I normally have to work Sunday mornings, but due to the chilly weather and predicted rain, I was off work. And Monday too. Two full days off work? For some reason, the Restaurant Gods were favorably looking down on me.
I had been house sitting for a friend and working all weekend, and I finally made it back to my house around 11:00 Sunday morning. My gym doesn't open until noon, so I was just sitting around doing laundry awaiting the 12:00 hour. Suddenly, I had this great revelation that I should just throw my shit in the car and get the fuck out of Memphis. My two options: Starkville and Nashville. I send a few texts out to friends: I have the next two days off. Should I come to town? I had already made up my mind that I was leaving regardless. 3 minutes later. No texts back. Fuck this, I'm calling Jimmy.
"Hello?" Jimmy drags out. I can tell he's extremely hungover.
"Hey! I have two days off. Should I come to Starkville? I want to come. I'm just gonna come." I excitedly shoot back at him.
"Ummmm, I went to sleep at 4 this morning and am on my way back from a wedding in Natchez..." I can tell that he has no intentions of drinking or being fun tonight, so I keep on pushing.
"But, you NEVER see me. When will I ever have two days off in a row again? Never. Never. Never. It's now or never. Don't you want to see your best friend?" I know this will work.
"Fuck, Meredith. Just come on. Rockbottom is supposed to be open." Bingo.
"Ok, cool. See you in three hours."
As soon as I get off the phone with Jimmy, I call my mom to tell her how excited I am that I'm actually doing something for myself. Well, I'll be damned if she isn't on her way to Starkville too. This is going to be a shit show, I thought. After calling a few more friends to let them know the good news, I get gas and start flying down 55.
Fast forward two hours when I make it through Winona, and I'm on the home stretch. My friend J. H. starts a group text between a couple of us and we begin shooting ideas for the night back and forth. The one idea that everyone can agree on is riding the Refuge. For those of you who were not lucky enough to spend 4+ years at Mississippi State, the Noxubee County Wildlife Refuge is a bunch of gravel roads interconnected over three counties that takes you through the woods, to people's deer camps, across lakes, and to an area that has absolutely no cell phone service. Alright, so this is our tentative plan. I realize that I have to shower and wash off last night's dinner service at work, but none of my friends are at home or actually live in Starkville. Well, fuck. I start calling MSU's President's wife to see if I can shower at the President's mansion....no answer. Thinking, thinking, thinking....Holy shit. My sorority house. How fucking funny would it be if I busted up in the sorority house and braved the communal showers from college. I shoot the group a text, "Give me an hour. Going to the sorority house to shower. Not a fucking joke. Move over bitches. I'm back."
I send a few Facebook messages to current members of my sorority to get the house code. I pull up, park in the alum spot, grab my bag, and bust up in the house. With out even introducing myself, I look at a group of the girls and say, "Do any of yall live in the house? I need to borrow a towel and some shampoo." They all nervously look around like who the fuck is this girl? No one offers, so finally I say, "I'm an alum. I need to take a shower." Well, that worked like a charm, and I didn't even have to tell them what a badass I was in college. The next thing I know, the President of the chapter is ushering me upstairs with a towel and all of her toiletries. As I'm showering and getting dressed in the bathroom and girls are coming in and out giving me weird glances, I think to myself, "This is about to be one ridiculously, fucked up night and these girls have probably never even experienced half of what is about to take place. Poor things. Worried about their reputation. How sweet."
Alright, now this is where you have to keep up. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail or I would be writing for the next two hours.
Post sorority house shower:
3:41 PM
"You at Staggerin yet?" text from J.H.
J.H. and I start drinking at Staggerin in the Cotton District around 4:00. I begin with a Bud Light and a shot of Fireball while he just grabs a beer. We talk about him moving across the country next week, my job, my flowers I should plant in the pots outside of my house, and opening a restaurant.
4:45 PM
Jimmy finally shows up and joins us. He immediately starts complaining about how strong his whiskey and sprite is while J.H. and I are going beer for beer.
5:40 PM
We all decide its time to make a move. Rockbottom actually did not open, so we start thinking of the only places open on Sundays in Starkville. We choose the Veranda because they have $2 mimosas, bloody marys, and domestics. You can't fucking beat that.
6:00 PM - 8:00 PM
Drinking and eating at the Veranda. 2 manmosas down and countless beers and cigs. We try convincing my mom to come join us at the Veranda, but she had already had a bottle of wine and wasn't planning on leaving. So, this is the point in the night when J.H. and I are trying to get some other friends to join us because Jimmy was going to puss out and go back home. Well, that wasn't going to fucking happen. J.H. and I convinced him to go on a refuge ride. You know, just a short hour-two hour loop. After a lot of convincing, deciding to take J.H.'s car because we cant smoke in mine and Jimmy was in his mom's car, rock-paper-scissoring for shotgun, picking up a 30 pack of PBR and three packs of cigs, we were well on our way to one of the most epic nights I've ever had. And trust me, I hate the word epic, but there is no better way to describe it.
8:30 PM- 5:00 AM
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| The Refuge |
We ride the refuge for 8 and a half hours. Not fucking kidding. I don't know how we did it other than the half Adderall we all took, but it's still a miracle that we're all functioning two days later. Here are a few of the adventures we had:
- Listening to and belting out all old school rap that we knew every word to
- Taking three videos of us shot gunning beers. We got really good at propping the phone up on the front of J.H.'s car with the headlights on us.
- Drinking from some magical spring water that came out of a PVC pipe. It is here that we took two more videos: one of Jimmy reading the history of the miracle spring water in his best impression of an 1800's voice and one of Jimmy lip synching to Whitney Houston's I Will Always Love You
- Stopping in the middle of the road countless times to pee
- Having heart to hearts about things that happened in college and things that have happened post college and telling each other how much we love each other and that we will always keep in touch and be friends and we each other's kids aunts and uncles
- Randomly stopping and having dance parties in the road or by lakes
- Taking ridiculous snap chats that won't send due to the lack of cell phone reception
- Ending up in Louisville, changing drivers, and heading back to Starkville
- Cheers-ing to being 25 and 26
5:00 AM
At this point, we have exhausted our 30 pack of PBR's, but we remember that Jimmy had brought along a pint of Canadian Mist. We swing by McDonalds, grab three sprites, and stupidly pull into a parking spot to mix our drinks. But then, I have an amazing idea! Why don't we go wake up my mom! Of course! Why hadn't we thought of this earlier? She would love to see us at 5:00 am on a Monday morning after we had been drinking for 10+ hours. I quickly give her a wake up call to find out where she is....
5:30 AM
Well, we make it to the President's Guest House in front of Eckie's Pond on campus. We wake up my mom, she's running around with no pants on which is very, very normal of her, open a bottle of wine, Jimmy plays every song he knows on the piano, J.H. and I swing dance as my mother laughs at us and can't believe how we are acting in our mid-twenties, we accidentally lock ourselves all out of the house while smoking cigs and watching the sun come up over Eckie's Pond, and we credit card the door since that is our most essential skill from college.
7:00 AM
"My head spins every time I try to lay down." Text I send to Jimmy from the other room.
7:30 AM
I pass out. Jimmy and J.H. head home.
12:30 PM
I am woken up by a conversation between my mother and a friend about finding the missing plane in the Indian Ocean and how Jimmy was acting like Liberati on the piano.
So, basically, my mother is super proud of my behavior at the age of 26 and my friends are better than yours.
XOXO,
Merekat
Random ramblings from the kitchen:
"Hey, Meredith." Featherstone drew out in his most Fayette Co accent he could muster.
"Yep, what's up?" I reply.
"Did ya know that you could get throat cancer from eatin' pussy?" Everyone's little ears perk up as they swivel their heads towards him. Not that this is some surprise conversation. This topic is right on target with our crew.
"Well, no, I didn't. Are you concerned or something?" I jokingly say as my face turns 20 shades of red.
"Well fuck yea I'm concerned! I lick that damn thing all the fuckin' time. She's gotta get her's before I can get mine. And ya know....all I gotta do is rock her world and do my damn thing so she can be happy for a few days. Then I repeat it. It works. Except during shark week." Featherstone refers to his girlfriend's period as Shark Week.
"Ok, gross. Let's get back to throat cancer. How do you know this?" Trying to get the conversation back on track.
"Didn't ya know that's how Michael Douglass died? Fuckin' throat cancer from eatin' his wife's pussy." He said matter of factly.
"First of all, Michael Douglass is not dead. Second of all, how do you know it's from his wife? He could have had a girlfriend. Wait, how the fuck do you get throat cancer from going down on a girl anyway?" We're all enthralled in the ridiculousness of mine and his back and forth banter.
"It comes from an infection. You know, those infections you girls get down there. Yeast or somethin'. But like I always say, if it smells fishy ya better not eat it. Same goes for fish we sale here. Smell before eatin' it." He is so wise.
"Ok, that's absolutely disgusting, but I definitely agree with you. If a girl's got some rank smell, you need to just run. Let me google this." I'm the queen of Google at work. Google is the book of life.
As I'm googling "Michael Douglass eating pussy," Featherstone continues to divulge us.
"Ya'll! I can make one of those commercials like the people with those things in their throats. Except it would be like this: Hello. I have to now speak through this little box because I have throat cancer. I have smoked all of my life, but that is not how I got throat cancer. I got throat cancer from eatin pussy." I know ya'll have seen those commercials with the scary old ladies with the talk boxes on their throats.
"Hey, Meredith. What's that thing called in yer throat you take out when you have throat cancer?"
"Ummmmm. A larnax?" Worth a try, but apparently the emphasis that I put on the "a" was incorrect.
"This is not Dr. Suess and the Lorax." He scoffs.
"Holy shit, ya'll. I found it. Michael Douglass has a press release confirming that's how he got throat cancer. What the fuck! And, doctors say that it comes from HPV."
"See, told ya."
"But here it says his agent tried to come back and say he was talking about you can get throat cancer from eating a girl out in general. Well, not in those words. He didn't say eat a girl out. You know what I mean. Anyway, well, did YOU know that men are the carriers of HPV and that women are affected by it? So, it only makes since that a guy should get throat cancer from the same HPV that he gave to a girl. What's goes around comes around bitches!" I laugh as I get flustered.
"Alright. So, it's true. Now have ya ever heard of the earwax test?" He knows everything about STD's apparently.
"Ok, this already sounds gross. Let's hear it."
"Well, ya get some ear wax on yer finger and put it on her clit. If it burns, she's got the clap. If it doesn't she's fine." I learn so much at work.
"WHO THE FUCK LET YOU PUT EAR WAX ON HER VAGINA? Please tell me you haven't done this to your girlfriend. I love her. Please tell me that." His girlfriend is a saint. I would kill him and her if she allowed him to do this.
"Oh, no no no no no no. Just heard it. Thought it was cool." Thank God.
"Just got to the doctor and get tested. This is stupid. It's called an STD test."
"Maybe we should invent something you could pee on or wipe up in there. Like if it turns green or somethin, we know ya got the clap." He loves coming up with ways to make his life easier.
"Oh, yea! Like a PH tester we use for our sanitizer!" I'm a genius.
And then the tickets start rolling in so we get back to work and tuck away all of our inappropriateness for the next night's service.
Don't forget, smell it before you eat it.
Merekat
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| One of Mom's treasures |
Sunday and Monday were the first two days I've had off in a row since Christmas, so I retreated to Pickwick for some much needed R and R. Momma Hen and I did our normal thing: drink, eat, antique, sleep, repeat. Momma Hen always has a million projects going on whether it be a painting, planning a wedding, designing someone's lake house, or in the present, buying and selling antiques. This is a new past time of hers. She and some friends have booths at the Bonnie Blue Antique Mall in Burnsville. A sign boasting "Antique Mall" in a run down strip mall on the side of HWY 72 in Burnsville aint much to look at, but there are "treasures" awaiting you inside. Momma Hen likes to refer to all of her finds as treasures. I think most of that shit is junk and extremely over priced. But, that's where Mom and I differ. She can see through the shit at sales and thrift stores and clearance bins. I can not. And, every time I go to her booth, I make her pick shit out for me or else I'll have an anxiety attack and feel closed in by all of her treasures.
So, Sunday afternoon Mom and I were loading up some shit from her booth for me to take back to Memphis when the cranky old bitch behind the counter ran us out on account of "bad weather" coming. As Momma Hen and I take the back roads through Burnsville and Iuka back to the Hen House at Pickwick, we come across several huge piles of brush down the bank from the road.
"You see those big piles of brush, Mere?"
"Um, yea. Why?"
Mom gets really fidgety and hesitant like she doesn't want to continue her story.
"Well, the other morning I was headed to the booth when I passed this black Escalade down in that ditch over there. Right nexta that brush pile. Driven right up to the brush."
"Ok, so?"
"There weren't any skid marks like they'd run off the road, but after I passed by I whipped around and went back."
"Why, Mom?" I'm already bored by her story and begin rolling my eyes.
"So, I pull over and climb down the bank to the Escalade. Meredith, it was a nice one. New lights on the back and everything. Had to be a brand new one. God, I love those new lights on the back." Mom and I are quite the car traders, so I wouldn't be surprised to find her with a new Escalade soon just because of the new tail lights she's so fascinated by.
"MOM! Why did you go down there?"
"What if someone was hurt? What if they were dead and no one had driven by this morning?"
"Ok , fine. What was in the car?"
"Well, I couldn't get to the drivers side door because of this mud hole, so I opened the back hatch and climbed into the back of the car."
"Oh my god, MOM! What the fuck? You can't just go around crawling in people's cars! What the fuck were you thinking?"
"MEREDITH, what if someone as hurt?"
"I don't care, Mom! Someone out here in the country will shoot your ass for breaking in to their cars!" See how the mother daughter roles have changed?
"Well, just listen to me. So, there was all this junk in the back. they had just trashed this new Escalade. And it smelled weird. I finally cleared enough stuff out of my way to see into the back seat. No blood or anything. And the keys were in it. Who just leaves their car with the keys in it?"
"I don't know, Mom. Who just climbs in the back of some random ass car? YOU DO. Don't ever do that again! Did you call the cops??"
"No, I just left. But, I was telling someone, cant remember who, about what all was in the back of that car. Apparently, it was a meth lab." She nervously glances over at me while I just about run my own car off the road.
"A METH LAB? A METH LAB, MOM??? YOU NEVER CALLED THE COPS?" I shriek at her.
"Well, no. Why would I?"
"Holy shit. You REALLY could have gotten shot. What was in there??"
"Oh, you know."
"No, I don't know!? I don't have a meth lab in my car. Batteries? Anti-freeze?"
"Oh, yea. Tons of empty cans of anti-freeze."
"Oh my god. Please don't do that again. I need some fucking wine."
"Agreed. I gotta get a bottle from the neighbor's house."
And just like my Lexus was loaded down with treasures from the antique mall, the Escalade was loaded down with treasures of it's own. Pittmania is never dull.
Merekat
