Pickwick Shenanigans

Forgive me Lord, for I have sinned.

I'm pretty sure I consumed more alcohol and smoked more cigs this weekend than I have in the past couple of months. My liver hurts, my head hurts, I'm sunburned, I BBQ'd my lungs, and muscles that I didn't even know existed are killing me. I just can't do it like I used to. Between all of us (C-Baby, Felix, J-Money, Hester Prinn, Momma Hen, Mistletoe, and her boyfried)we killed 8 cases of beer, 10 bottles of champagne, 7 bottles of wine, half a bottle of vodka, a couple margaritas, and over 12 packs of cigarettes.

We did the usual Pickwick shenanigans...boozing, boating, french kissing, smoking, skankin' it up at Freddy T's...but we took all of these things to the extreme. After a long day of drinking heavily, beating ourselves to death on the wave runner, and worshipping the sun, we take it to the next level and head to the T. You never go to the T unless you're good and liquored up. It's like a neon, over-priced, Heaven that blares songs like Genuine's "My Pony" and "the Cha Cha Slide." I bet C-Baby, Hester Prinn, and I danced off a good 8,000 calories. We were sweating profusely, trying to do the wobble, and making fun/dancing on top of all of the slutty, bleach blonde 30 year olds in jean skirts and cowboy boots.

As the night wore on, we lost a couple of members from our crew, added a new one (obviously attracted to us because of our sweet dance moves), started to get really tired and sloppy with our dancing, and poor J-Money passed out with his head on the bar. It was obviously time to head to the house. But J-Money perked up after a slice of pizza COVERED in red pepper flakes, we all got another beer, and continued to party in another part of the T...the Beach Club bar. This bar boasts a live band, a dart board, pool tables, and shuffle board...something to entertain all of us. C-Baby and her new man threw darts, Hester Prinn was hammered and starting playing shuffle board with a child molester looking man, and J-Money and I ATTEMPTED to dance. We were all a mess and wouldn't have been accepted in any other public place other than Freddy Ts. In retrospect, we probably should have left long before we did...J-Money started talking shit (slurring and trying his best to form sentences) to the band.

"My friend can play the guitar so much better than you. Learn to play the guitar." Ok. Time to go.

Sunday we all woke up feeling like the devil's bitch lover. I had all intentions of napping and heading back to Memphis until I was persuaded to go out on the lake again.

Bad idea. Right after we got gas, an ominous, black cloud started heading our way. We parked the boat at what we THOUGHT was a friend's dock and went to take cover. We hadn't been there 20 minutes when the owner threatened to call the cops for "trespassing," and the jack ass accused us of stealing 2 cases of Barefoot wine. Who the fuck would want to steal wine that tastes worst than bare feet? And just our luck, as we try to make our getaway, the boat goes dead. Dead. Won't start. We've already pushed away from the dock so we started floating into snaky territory. We clearly look helpless yet no one stops to even ask if we're ok. WTF happened to Mississippi being the hospitality state? J-Money and I come to the rescue, jump in the water, and start swimming the boat to another "friend's" dock. Work out of the year. My stomach muscles are in so much pain today. Shaun T's insanity work out doesn't have shit on us. By this point, I'm like fuck it. Give me a damn beer. I was clearly not making it back to Memphis last night.

Pulling the damn boat

 3 hours later and 2 cases of beer down, we made it back to our cabin thanks to two lovely gentlemen that came and towed us...C-Baby may have had a little control over one of these fine men from granting him a dance at the T the night before. It was the least they could do for us...damsels in distress.

The drive back to Memphis this morning was not a fun one. The original plan was to leave at 4 am so that C-Baby and I could make it to work on time. That plan was fucked when we woke up to a monsoon, thunder, and a damn electrical storm that lit up my bedroom every 10 seconds. I think it was punishment for the damage I did to my body this weekend. I need a full recovery...well, until trivia tomorrow night of course.

Texts received after the weekend:

Sunday June 3rd, 2012 2:14 pm from Hester Prinn
"I mean what the hell happened last night?"

Monday June 4th, 2012 9:41 am from Felix
"Phenomenal shower. And I'm covered in battle wounds. Dropping to my knees last night left a few bruises." Sweet dance moves to an N*SYNC song.

Monday June 4th, 2012 9:01 am from C-Baby
"3rd time Ive heard Call Me Maybe in an hour. And I love it."

Monday June 4th, 2012 from 12:39 PM J-Money
"I dunno ab u but i feel like hell..."


XOXO,

Honey