Joey's Caberet

**Disclaimer: This post is not for the faint of heart. Read with caution.

I want you to close your eyes and picture the most ridiculous, raunchy porn you have ever seen...and multiply that by 10...and imagine yourself sitting front row for the action. That's Joey's Caberet.

No Bachelorette Party (or my trip to NOLA) is complete with out going to the strip club. For a special surprise for the bride, the maid of honor booked reservations at Joey's Caberet in Harvey, LA for Saturday night. This is not just some normal strip club that you can walk in to on Bourbon. This is the only male strip club in the state of Louisiana, and we were in for a treat.

The cab pulls up to a broken down, deserted strip mall on the side of the highway with a big, shitty sign wrapped in rope lights advertising Joey's Caberet. I don't get sketched out often, but this was pushing my limit. And besides that, I didn't know if I was even going to get in. My wallet was stolen around 4 am while I was dancing on stage at Razoo's on Bourbon, so I had to use the maid of honor's passport. Brunette and 100 pounds. That's definitely me. But the woman checking our ID's was about 150 years old with no teeth. so I was golden. She had probably never even seen a passport. And I'm sure she was thrown off by our Kentucky Derby themed group.  

We're ushered to the front row less than a foot from the stage and immediately greeted by a half naked guy with a tray of shots asking for drink orders. One of the bachelorettes from a different group was asked to come to the stage and the show begins. A bald man no taller than 5'2" dressed in a rip-away white suit that we renamed Mr. Clean saunters to the stage and starts dancing on the bride. Ok, so far so good. A regular Chippendale show. The emcee give us a tip--the more we scream the more clothes he takes off. We cheer. He rips off his pants and vest and reveals his age...and his dick dangling in this zebra print thong. This man is old enough to be my dad. No lie. I'm quite certain the reason he didn't remove his sunglasses was to not show his crow's feet around his eyes. From there he went through the motions of fucking the bride in the ass, did the splits a few times, thrusted his dick in our faces, and did some push ups on stage. Ok, enough of him.

Next, a Jersey Shore looking FBI agent walks out to the Body Guard theme song and immediately spots our group. Not that anyone can miss us. We look like sweet, innocent little Southern Belles in our big hats. He completely bypasses our bride and starts singing to our maid of honor, licking her neck, and whispering naughty things in her ear. She was totally into it. Dollar bills went flying. He hops on stage, rips his clothes of and starts griding on the pole. I can't even accurately describe what he looked like. Completely ripped body, black velvet thong with white tassels lining his dick, and these ridiculous pirate boots that went up over his knees. I'm not going to even pretend that he wasn't turning us on. He was also turning himself on. He was gyrating his hips and starring at his dick longingly as Genuine's "Pony" was blaring. It wasn't long before he was hard on stage. The same bachelorette from before was back on stage, and he was basically fucking her right in front of us. I've never even seen or even heard of these positions he put her in. I swear to God there would have been a baby made on stage had she not been wearing leggings. Before his show was over he came over to me and asked if I wanted to "ride his pony." No thank you. I believe I'll pass tonight.

And last, but CERTAINLY not least, comes the black cowboy. This was no cowboy I'd ever seen...Spider Man tattoo across his back, lime green thong, gold teeth (that Im sure he purchased next door at the place that sells grills), and the biggest damn penis any of us had ever seen. Ever. Biggest. And it was real. No extender. It had to have been a foot and some inches long. And you want to know how we discovered that it was real? Oh, no big deal. He grabbed one of our girl's hands and wrapped his dick around her wrists like handcuffs. I'm not kidding. Mortified. Hilarious. Disgusting. Vomit. Amazing. So many emotions. He also set his body on fire and climbed the wall like Spider Man. But wait. There's more. This blew our minds. He jumped down from stage bent a girl over, started pulling this bitch's hair and fucking (dry humping) her from behind. THEN, he grabbed another girl, flipped her on top of the other girl with one hand, continued fucking and pulling her hair, while his head was up the top girl's dress. I have never in my life seen anything like it. Nor do I ever want to see anything like it again.
All of that happened in an hour. One hour. I'm pretty sure we learned more about the world of male strippers and sex in that one hour than we have our entire lives. The guido FBI agent stripper came and talked to us as we were waiting on our cab out front. I'm pretty sure he was functioning on a second grade level. And for Mr. Clean...oh, he's a policemen. And for the black cowboy? It's safe to say that he's got thousands of kids scattered around New Orleans.

And as for my little black ballerina stripper from the previous post...well, as it turns out, she lives in Houston, TX now and went to massage therapy school. How did I find this out may you ask? One of my readers found her on Facebook. We're actually Facebook chatting at this very moment.

XOXO,

Honey